I grew up a fuckin' screw up. Ain't nothin' changed but the name on my game.
October 28, 2011
That despairing moment when you realize, all too late, that you just met someone and there was something. Something more than the average spark.
This spark says, "Hello. I feel as though we've met before. This feels right. We should spend our time together. We should run through the rain. We should go crazy on a sunny day. We should laugh at each other. We should pick daffodils. We should kiss like the eskimos."
I should have said something. I had my opportunity. I even knew what I should have said. Yet, the glue stayed on my feet unbroken. My mouth no longer connected to my brain. I just watch as you pass by, you whispering your salutations, acknowledging the fierce spark that fogs both our visions, and I whisper mine.
She escaped out the door and I stood in place bemused by my own ability to discount and evade the magnetism of our hearts. Something so naturally occuring shall not be ignored. Or at least not for long.
This sets my feet in motion. That all-too-familiar motion that can take me from here to you. A to B.
From a high up tower I watch as my arm stretches for the door. My mind caught up on one idea. One conviction. I convict myself of wanting to love you. My jury of peers may begin their judgement at any time. I hereby throw myself into a fire.
The door opens.
"Miss, may I have your telephone number?" I ask no one but myself. The hall is empty. She slipped away and there was something I actually could have done. Maybe we will meet again. It could be in our cards, a pair of Aces.
Let this be a lesson. Do not just 'Try!' Do not let another slip on by. And if we are destined to meet again, I will make her mine.
This spark says, "Hello. I feel as though we've met before. This feels right. We should spend our time together. We should run through the rain. We should go crazy on a sunny day. We should laugh at each other. We should pick daffodils. We should kiss like the eskimos."
I should have said something. I had my opportunity. I even knew what I should have said. Yet, the glue stayed on my feet unbroken. My mouth no longer connected to my brain. I just watch as you pass by, you whispering your salutations, acknowledging the fierce spark that fogs both our visions, and I whisper mine.
She escaped out the door and I stood in place bemused by my own ability to discount and evade the magnetism of our hearts. Something so naturally occuring shall not be ignored. Or at least not for long.
This sets my feet in motion. That all-too-familiar motion that can take me from here to you. A to B.
From a high up tower I watch as my arm stretches for the door. My mind caught up on one idea. One conviction. I convict myself of wanting to love you. My jury of peers may begin their judgement at any time. I hereby throw myself into a fire.
The door opens.
"Miss, may I have your telephone number?" I ask no one but myself. The hall is empty. She slipped away and there was something I actually could have done. Maybe we will meet again. It could be in our cards, a pair of Aces.
Let this be a lesson. Do not just 'Try!' Do not let another slip on by. And if we are destined to meet again, I will make her mine.
October 27, 2011
After a long moment of silence, Grandfather answered. "It is not enough that man be just happy in the flesh, but he must also be happy and joyous in spirit. For without spiritual happiness and rapture, life is shallow. Without seeking the things of the Spirit, life is half lived and empty. And by spiritual life I do not mean just setting aside one hour of one day of one week for worship, but to seek the things of the spirit every moment of every day. I ask you, then: What did these people do to seek spiritual enlightenment and rapture? Did they just give in to a life that was little more than work? They were given a choice every day of their lives-as you will be given a choice to seek the rapture of the Spirit or to resign yourselves to a life of meaningless work. The end result is always the same: forgotten graves and forgotten dreams of forgotten people. It is not important that anyone notice or remember, but that you work to touch God and affect in a positive way the consciousness of the Spirit-that-moves-in-all-things, thus bringing the consciousness of man closer to the Creator."
"
Grandfather said that there was not future, only possible futures. The 'now' was like the palm of a hand, with each finger being the possible future, and, as always, one of the futures was always the most powerful, the way that the main course of events would surely take us. Thus his predictions were of the possible future, which meant that he always left a choice.
"If a man could make the right choices," he said, "then he could significantly alter the course of the possible future. No man, then, should feel insignificant, for it only takes one man to alter the consciousness of mankind through the Spirit-that-moves-in-all-things. In essence, one thought influences another, then another, until the thought is made manifest throughout all of Creation. It is the same thought, the same force, that causes an entire flock of birds to change course, as the flock then has one mind."
Tom Brown, The Quest
Ease My [Student] Burden!
Currently, the total outstanding amount of student-held debt is well past $1 trillion. This surpasses the nation’s debt in credit cards and is still on the rising tide. Tuition and fees (in-state) rose about 8% this year and it now costs over $8,000 for a full credit load.
“The board said about 56 percent of bachelor's degree recipients at public schools graduated with debt averaging about $22,000. From private nonprofit universities, 65 percent graduated with debt averaging about $28,000.”
The default rate for these loans has risen to 8.8 percent…and this was in 2009. But, Obama has a plan.
Obama’s Plan: Lower the maximum required payment on the loan from 15% of discretionary income to 10%; and the remaining debt would be forgiven after only 20 years. This first solution will go into effect next year. His second solution is to allow consolidation of Federal Family Education Loan Programs and direct loans (from gov’t). These can be consolidated at an interest rate of up to a ½% less.
This has the potential to save some borrowers up to a few hundred dollars a month on loan payments. However: To be eligible for the consolidated loan component, a borrower must have both a direct loan from the government and a loan from the Federal Family Education Loan Program. The accelerated component of the income-based repayment plan only applies to borrowers who take out a loan in 2012 or later and who also took out a loan sometime between 2008 and 2012, according to the Education Department.
Flailing Economy
Economists are expecting inflation rates to halve over the next year due to spikes in consumer goods such as oil and grains.
Unemployment rate is currently double its pre-recession level—and only expected to get worse as Christmas time lay-offs and arrival of Iraq troops.
Joshua Dennerlein, economist at Bank of America, “Without some kind of monetary policy help you would definitely get deflation.”
September witnessed the highest inflation rate in three years—3.9%--but is expected to fall to 1.3% by next October.
**Operation Twist: Central Bank’s stimulus program is due to expire in mid-2012 and could pose a major threat to the economy if inflation and unemployment rates have not sunk.
This possible scenario is cause enough for action on the Fed’s part to attempt to put a stopper on deflation and provide more support for economic growth.
One way to counter inflation would have the central banks raising interest rates. Short-term borrowing costs were cut to zero and will bring quite a predicament in fighting falling prices.
Fed’s want to keep people and businesses away from the “Deflationary Psychology” of waiting to make purchases until prices are cheaper later on down the road. Be watching for stimulus propaganda—Buy NOW with (tiny) savings/benefits/gift!!!
Growth (g) was 2.5% in third quarter and was only slightly above 1% in the second quarter. This was largely due to the recovery from spikes in oil prices and the quake in Japan.
However, if Europe fails to bottle-neck their financial woes, it could be Big Trouble in Little America.
Wage pessimism is at its highest level since 2009, following the housing market bubble and Big Bank Bailout. 1 out of 5 Americans have the impression that their incomes will significantly drop in the next six months.
One economist expects the unemployment rate to be only 9% by second quarter of 2012—current rate of 9.1%
To date, the Fed has knowingly dumped $2.3 trillion into the banking system. Much of this sum has not “trickled down” into the general economy as of yet due to “weak demand and tighter lending standards.”
“There is a legitimate concern about deflation,” says Richard Burdekin (economist @ Claremont McKenna College). “But to have a deflation when you have the sort of money growth we’re seeing would be unprecedented.”
Other economists & investors are pointing towards the decline in housing prices (dropped a third since pre-recession peak), S&P stock index is down about a fifth, and values of a number of other asset classes. I.e. Reuters-Jefferies CRB commodities index—dropped 15% since April 2011 and nearly a 1/3 since 2008.
“When you have deflation in all these other areas, it’s kind of difficult to see how goods and services are going to resist the trend,” said Gary Shilling (San Francisco Fed & economist at several Wall Street firms).
How this will all fare if the Occupiers of Vancouver get their demands from the G20. The Group of 20 rich & developing nations will be required to impose a 1% tax on all financial transactions and currency trades. Their message: "We want you to slow down some of that $1.3 trillion easy money that's sloshing around the global casino each day — enough cash to fund every social program and environmental initiative in the world."
The 3rd quarter has brought some improvement for the United States’ economy. Consumer spending and business investment has seeded the 2.5% growth in the July-September quarter. The first six months of the year bore witness to a grueling 0.9% growth rate.
Growth is projected to continue through October-December quarter at roughly the same rate. GDP is providing a much more optimistic perception of the path of our economy. Just three years ago, GDP was at a standstill with 0% growth rate followed by a sharp decline into 2009 @ -2.9%.
Consumers have spent at an annual rate of 2.4% on items such as cars, furniture and clothing. It seems amazing that at times like these people can waste money on nonessentials while not heeding the warning of upcoming strife, destruction, chaos, etc….DOOM. We are truly creatures of habit and fellows of the present. Reminder: Consumer spending accounts for 70% of economic activity.
The service industry also experienced growth from consumer and household spending. Health care and air conditioning were the prime recipients of this spending. Overall, Americans are STILL spending more than they are making, hand-over-fist.
After-tax incomes took a hit over this past summer, falling at a rate of 1.7%. The increase in spending and decrease in salaries was offset by a likewise decrease in the saving rate.
Investments in equipment and software from businesses has done its part for the economy. Setting off a monumental 17.4% rate in growth. Most of this was spent on new buildings and construction.
FYI: 14 million Americans out of work and want jobs.
“Economists warned that even their modest assessment of growth of around 2.7 percent for next year will fall short if the European debt situation does not get resolved. And the outlook could dim further if U.S. lawmakers allow a Social Security tax cut and extended unemployment benefits to expire at the end of this year.”
< http://news.yahoo.com/economy-grew-2-5-pct-q3-consumers-rebound-123254983.html;_ylt=AkZz2vK5Ch6Ntq2xz0ntE.rv5rEF;_ylu=X3oDMTRhdHVuYms5BG1pdANUb3BTdG9yeSBCdXNpbmVzc1NGIFVTRWNvbm9teVNTRgRwa2cDY2FjZDU3NDEtYWRiYi0zZDllLWI1NjgtYTQyNjRhMTgyZDM5BHBvcwM0BHNlYwN0b3Bfc3RvcnkEdmVyA2ViZWNhZjMwLTAwYTAtMTFlMS1hZmE3LWZmMDYzMjcyNTljNg--;_ylg=X3oDMTIxcWQybmhuBGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANidXNpbmVzc3x1cyBlY29ub215BHB0A3NlY3Rpb25z;_ylv=3>
October 26, 2011
Earthly Companion
by BB
by BB
The feline creeps slyly from the darkened room
As the dying man flutters back to his subconscious realm
Reaching these deathly hollows—
The final destination for his beaten mind—
Long since has he traveled this road of sorrow
Passing but one companion along the gnarled path,
A man who travels upon a pale horse.
A man by the name of Death.
They pass for but a moment,
Almost a moment too long,
Not to meet again until his last pilgrimage has come to its end.
Hope strays as he progresses along
For the one he aspired to find here has yet to reveal himself.
That dark figure can find me here
For in the end I will have no fear.
Doomseed
DOOMSEED
by BB
Lately, I have been the dark one
Spreading these thoughts from here to there
Planting the seeds of doom
for each to bear
Roots working downward, deep
Looking for a place to hold and keep
Every thought now reflects my own
Hundreds of my clone
October 24, 2011
This is not a dream. You are not sleeping. This is Reality. Every waking minute passes you by. What you are experiencing is widely considered Life. You must accept this for what it is. Time will pass, seasons will change, people will go and some will stay, empires will crumble, dogs will drool. These are things you can count on in an innumerable age.
October 21, 2011
Dear,
I can't talk to you any longer. I have been trying to get over you the best I can for better than a year now. It seemed a whole lot easier said than done, especially when I was the one who broke it off with you. I was an idiot and an asshole, but most of all I was an inconsiderate, selfish douche. Truth be told, there are many names you could, and probably have, call me. This is not what hurts. What hurts is knowing that you have found someone else to spend your time with and share your love. Knowing that, and that day by day you slip miles and miles away, is like knowing that you have a malignant, inoperable brain tumor. Except a brain tumor stays with you until death do us part. You, on the other hand, will never be with me again....until death do us part. You know/knew that I was never one to "wear my heart on my sleeve" and yet thinking of all this has already put a magnificently large lump in my throat and thrown salt in my eyes---And I'm at work! Now look what you've done ;)
It could have been wondrous. The farmhouse, I mean, our house, our life, our children, everything we could have had. It could have been a Love story. Our love would have run so incredibly deep. It would have washed away any blockages standing in our way. If only I had taken the time to listen to you, care about you, do all the things a boyfriend (& friend & lover) are meant to do. I could have, you know? But, my laziness and selfishness got in the way. I felt that this was "My Life" and I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. For far too long I had answered to my mother, an ever demanding responsibility which was the sole repercussion of my misspent youth. It was this that made me feel as if you were "questioning" my every move, much like my mother, and it was this that made me begin to resent this behavior, forcing me to go my own way. It was never because I did not love you or that I did not care. I believe, with both my heart and head, that we could have made it had I simply talked to you.
That's what I've lost--the ability to talk, to share, to communicate with others. Some switch turned off, or a circuit malfunctioned, or I burned too many holes up in the old noggin. Whatever happened, I hope it happened for a reason. Maybe you were destined to be with him and I alone. Because if it did not happen for a reason, if there is no ultimate plan, than I am without a doubt lost. I already know that I am lost without you, but what's new? When we were together, time seemed to be frozen and the path seemed to be illuminated. We both knew what each other wanted and we talked endlessly. Falling asleep on the phone most nights...shoot, I probably DO have a brain tumor. But I would never change a thing about any of it. Maybe I would change one small thing, if that isn't too selfish of an act. In all actuality, the change would be closer to a selfless act more than anything. I would have invited you to that preview weekend. After long contemplating all of what happened, I think this was when it all went downhill for us--for me. I gave up. I got a taste of a different life and I bit. I bit down hard and I've been tasting blood in my mouth since. And, of course, the life didn't last. Neither did the "friends" or the girls or the parties or anything for that matter. Nothing lasts. Only true love lasts. Do you love? I love. I used to love, I still do, but I used to, too. There is a voice deep inside me that says I may never love another like we loved each other. It's a little upsetting, unsettling, disheartening...describe it with whatever words you feel necessary but it will never be the same. It's like that first hit of acid. Before you take it, everything is fine, dull but fine. When you take it, nothing could ever be better. And once it's all done and said, you won't ever be the same. Obviously there are some major flaws in this theory, but you catch my drift....it never should have ended. Or maybe it had to end for a reason. I don't know, you don't know, none of us knows a thing. But, what I do know is, it could have been glorious. Imagine what our children would have looked like. Sharing our features. The boy with mine and the girl with yours...but a little bit of both us in each. Dear Lord, they would have been cuter than a peach if I do say so myself. You could have been a stay-at-home mom with a salon in the basement. You would have been MY reason to strive to do the absolute best I could in all my classes, so that I could provide for you and give you everything you never had and always wanted. To make our lives perfect.
I can spend countless words and endless hours on mulling over and over the what-if's, what could have been, how things should have went, etc. etc. I know because I have done this many times despite reminding myself of the oncoming "blues" that are sure to follow. So I won't bore.
I still love you. I still miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still want to make things work. I want to do more than 'Try.' I want to cuddle up next to you in a warm hoody in the middle of winter and watch seasons of Rosanne and Friends. I miss those brown eyes that I see everywhere. I want to see your smile. As strange as it may be, I miss the cracks in your tongue. I miss your birthmark (I still know just where to find it). The way you spoke to me late at night, the softness in your voice. Your laugh. I want all of it back.
I want you.
You know who you are.
This is how I feel. All I have are feelings.
And I think you feel the same way.
You're just too scared to admit it. Or maybe you're just so committed to these 'big' plans of yours (and his) that you don't want to admit it.
Either way, I know you still feel for me. You still miss me. You still think of me. You still love me.
Do you want to know how I know this?
Because you text me. You call. You get upset if I even mention another lady.
I don't want to give you up. I never meant to let you down. I don't want any other. I want you, I need you....but I think you don't need me. Better yet, I know you don't need me. You have him.
How do I compete? Or do I?
Am I supposed to fight for you? Like the Knight in Shining Armor? Come to the fair lady's rescue at the right moment? When is the right moment? Is there a right moment? Was it even meant to be? Or did it turn out exactly as He planned? I don't know how you feel, and, I don't think, you know how I feel. Are we even supposed to feel? Is it wrong if we do? Is it wrong if we don't? Or is it wrong that we ignore the feelings? Push them away, save them for another day in another life when it is too little and far too late.
What's the point?
You say we've changed. Fuck that, get a better answer. Everybody changes. If you don't change then you succumb to Darwinian 'survival of the fittest.' I know I've changed and I know you have changed. But I have changed for the better, as I am sure you have as well. Change is good. I mean, catch this, it obviously wasn't working when we tried the first time. Or the second...mostly the second time. The first time was a view of Heaven. Now, we've both been through different situations, many different scenes with many different people. Maybe this means we've grown apart or maybe this means we could be closer than ever before. We will never know unless we give it a try. But the moment when that becomes next to impossible creeps ever closer with every minute. Fast Forward to next September. The 29th. I am not sure what I will be doing on this day and I don't know how I will handle the situation, but I know what you will be doing. You will be ending any chance of us. You will be creating a new you, a Them to me. And it will be Them that I will grow to despise. Praying for the utter demise of the Them, going against everything that I know and believe. I wish nothing ill unto any one...except maybe corporate America. But, just know, deep, deep, deep down I will be rooting for yours and his failure. I will be waiting for the Big D: Divorce. I hate to admit it, but I must, and I hope you understand. For if the one you love was lost, even at your own doing, you would want nothing more than to retrieve what is lost. And how else would you go about this nasty business while remaining passive. Why, hopes and wishes that's how. I have spent much time contemplating many ideas of how I could 'win' you back. I have picked up my guitar on more than one occassion with every intention of learning some song which reminds me of you and surely would remind you of me and I dream of how I would surprise you somewhere by playing the song and we would be happy. But, then the dream fades and reality creeps back in. You are gone and I am here.
That is the way it is. This is how it will be.
Unless I act and act I may.
For to not act goes against my human instinct. Everything that has been ingrained within my DNA is SCREAMING for me to act. To do everything in my will to get you back into my arms. Into my heart.
And maybe I will. I hate that word, maybe, it allows too much complacency to fall into a man's life. I don't want to let that happen. But, maybe it is for the better.
Maybe I still love you.
Maybe you still love me.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe in the future.
Maybe it wasn't meant to last.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell in the past.
Maybe, baby, but maybe maybe's not good enough for me.
Maybe.
Maybe, Always & Forever
BB
It could have been wondrous. The farmhouse, I mean, our house, our life, our children, everything we could have had. It could have been a Love story. Our love would have run so incredibly deep. It would have washed away any blockages standing in our way. If only I had taken the time to listen to you, care about you, do all the things a boyfriend (& friend & lover) are meant to do. I could have, you know? But, my laziness and selfishness got in the way. I felt that this was "My Life" and I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. For far too long I had answered to my mother, an ever demanding responsibility which was the sole repercussion of my misspent youth. It was this that made me feel as if you were "questioning" my every move, much like my mother, and it was this that made me begin to resent this behavior, forcing me to go my own way. It was never because I did not love you or that I did not care. I believe, with both my heart and head, that we could have made it had I simply talked to you.
That's what I've lost--the ability to talk, to share, to communicate with others. Some switch turned off, or a circuit malfunctioned, or I burned too many holes up in the old noggin. Whatever happened, I hope it happened for a reason. Maybe you were destined to be with him and I alone. Because if it did not happen for a reason, if there is no ultimate plan, than I am without a doubt lost. I already know that I am lost without you, but what's new? When we were together, time seemed to be frozen and the path seemed to be illuminated. We both knew what each other wanted and we talked endlessly. Falling asleep on the phone most nights...shoot, I probably DO have a brain tumor. But I would never change a thing about any of it. Maybe I would change one small thing, if that isn't too selfish of an act. In all actuality, the change would be closer to a selfless act more than anything. I would have invited you to that preview weekend. After long contemplating all of what happened, I think this was when it all went downhill for us--for me. I gave up. I got a taste of a different life and I bit. I bit down hard and I've been tasting blood in my mouth since. And, of course, the life didn't last. Neither did the "friends" or the girls or the parties or anything for that matter. Nothing lasts. Only true love lasts. Do you love? I love. I used to love, I still do, but I used to, too. There is a voice deep inside me that says I may never love another like we loved each other. It's a little upsetting, unsettling, disheartening...describe it with whatever words you feel necessary but it will never be the same. It's like that first hit of acid. Before you take it, everything is fine, dull but fine. When you take it, nothing could ever be better. And once it's all done and said, you won't ever be the same. Obviously there are some major flaws in this theory, but you catch my drift....it never should have ended. Or maybe it had to end for a reason. I don't know, you don't know, none of us knows a thing. But, what I do know is, it could have been glorious. Imagine what our children would have looked like. Sharing our features. The boy with mine and the girl with yours...but a little bit of both us in each. Dear Lord, they would have been cuter than a peach if I do say so myself. You could have been a stay-at-home mom with a salon in the basement. You would have been MY reason to strive to do the absolute best I could in all my classes, so that I could provide for you and give you everything you never had and always wanted. To make our lives perfect.
I can spend countless words and endless hours on mulling over and over the what-if's, what could have been, how things should have went, etc. etc. I know because I have done this many times despite reminding myself of the oncoming "blues" that are sure to follow. So I won't bore.
I still love you. I still miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still want to make things work. I want to do more than 'Try.' I want to cuddle up next to you in a warm hoody in the middle of winter and watch seasons of Rosanne and Friends. I miss those brown eyes that I see everywhere. I want to see your smile. As strange as it may be, I miss the cracks in your tongue. I miss your birthmark (I still know just where to find it). The way you spoke to me late at night, the softness in your voice. Your laugh. I want all of it back.
I want you.
You know who you are.
This is how I feel. All I have are feelings.
And I think you feel the same way.
You're just too scared to admit it. Or maybe you're just so committed to these 'big' plans of yours (and his) that you don't want to admit it.
Either way, I know you still feel for me. You still miss me. You still think of me. You still love me.
Do you want to know how I know this?
Because you text me. You call. You get upset if I even mention another lady.
I don't want to give you up. I never meant to let you down. I don't want any other. I want you, I need you....but I think you don't need me. Better yet, I know you don't need me. You have him.
How do I compete? Or do I?
Am I supposed to fight for you? Like the Knight in Shining Armor? Come to the fair lady's rescue at the right moment? When is the right moment? Is there a right moment? Was it even meant to be? Or did it turn out exactly as He planned? I don't know how you feel, and, I don't think, you know how I feel. Are we even supposed to feel? Is it wrong if we do? Is it wrong if we don't? Or is it wrong that we ignore the feelings? Push them away, save them for another day in another life when it is too little and far too late.
What's the point?
You say we've changed. Fuck that, get a better answer. Everybody changes. If you don't change then you succumb to Darwinian 'survival of the fittest.' I know I've changed and I know you have changed. But I have changed for the better, as I am sure you have as well. Change is good. I mean, catch this, it obviously wasn't working when we tried the first time. Or the second...mostly the second time. The first time was a view of Heaven. Now, we've both been through different situations, many different scenes with many different people. Maybe this means we've grown apart or maybe this means we could be closer than ever before. We will never know unless we give it a try. But the moment when that becomes next to impossible creeps ever closer with every minute. Fast Forward to next September. The 29th. I am not sure what I will be doing on this day and I don't know how I will handle the situation, but I know what you will be doing. You will be ending any chance of us. You will be creating a new you, a Them to me. And it will be Them that I will grow to despise. Praying for the utter demise of the Them, going against everything that I know and believe. I wish nothing ill unto any one...except maybe corporate America. But, just know, deep, deep, deep down I will be rooting for yours and his failure. I will be waiting for the Big D: Divorce. I hate to admit it, but I must, and I hope you understand. For if the one you love was lost, even at your own doing, you would want nothing more than to retrieve what is lost. And how else would you go about this nasty business while remaining passive. Why, hopes and wishes that's how. I have spent much time contemplating many ideas of how I could 'win' you back. I have picked up my guitar on more than one occassion with every intention of learning some song which reminds me of you and surely would remind you of me and I dream of how I would surprise you somewhere by playing the song and we would be happy. But, then the dream fades and reality creeps back in. You are gone and I am here.
That is the way it is. This is how it will be.
Unless I act and act I may.
For to not act goes against my human instinct. Everything that has been ingrained within my DNA is SCREAMING for me to act. To do everything in my will to get you back into my arms. Into my heart.
And maybe I will. I hate that word, maybe, it allows too much complacency to fall into a man's life. I don't want to let that happen. But, maybe it is for the better.
Maybe I still love you.
Maybe you still love me.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe in the future.
Maybe it wasn't meant to last.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell in the past.
Maybe, baby, but maybe maybe's not good enough for me.
Maybe.
Maybe, Always & Forever
BB
October 20, 2011
Twiddle diddle deedle dumble
The fool tummy grumble
Such assholes: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/19/dimock-pennsylvania-replacement-water_n_1019743.html
The fool tummy grumble
Such assholes: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/19/dimock-pennsylvania-replacement-water_n_1019743.html
October 19, 2011
Do You Love?
Skeleton Crew
For Owen"Or how I steal your face--
steal it, steal it, and wear it for my own.
It wears out fast on my face. "
Survivor Type
You get to know people, you listen, you make connections. You have to, when you're hustling the street. Any asshole knows how to die. The thing to learn is how to survive, you know what I mean?
Screw you, Jack, I got mine. The Second Oath of Hippocrates or Hypocrites.
Introduction (On writing)
You don't do it for money; you do it because it saves you from feeling bad. A man or woman able to turn his or her back on something like that is just a monkey, that's all.
The Mist
"You always make it seem better," she said, and that made me feel good. (p35)
To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude. (p38)
You know what talent is? The curse of expectation. As a kid you have to deal with that, beat it somehow. If you can write, you think God put you on earth to blow Shakespeare away. (p112)
They stared at you with blank and shiny doorknob eyes. The hard cement of reality had come apart in some unimaginable earthquake, and those poor devils had fallen through. In time, some of them might come back. If there was time. (p112)
I realized with fresh horror that new doors of perception were opening up inside. New? Not so. Old doors perception. The perception of a child who has not yet learned to protect itself by developing the tunnel vision that keeps out ninety percent of the Universe. Children see everything their eyes happen upon, hear everything in their ears' range. But if life is the rise of consciousness, then it is also the reduction of input. (p116)
Terror is the widening of perspective and perception. The horror was in knowing I was swimming down to a place most of us leave when we get out of diapers and into training pants....When rationality begins to break down, the circuits of the human brain can overload. Axons grow bright and feverish. Hallucinations turn real:the quicksilver puddle at the point where perspective makes parallel lines seem to to intersect is really there; the dead walk and talk; a rose begins to sing. (p117)
There are things of such darkness and horror--just I suppose, as there are things of such great beauty--that they will not fit through the puny human doors of perception. (p151)
Cain Rose Up
You either ate the world or the world are you and it was okay either way. [Either way something got ATE UP]. (p201)
"God got mad at Cain because Cain had an idea God was a vegetarian. His brother knew better. God made the world in His image, and if you don't eat the world, the world eats you. So Cain says to his brother, 'Why didn't you tell me?' And his brother says, 'Why didn't you listen?' And Cain says, 'Okay, I'm listening now.' So he waxes his brother and says, 'Hey God! You want meat? Here it is! You want roast or ribs or Abelburgers or what?' And God told him to put on his boogie shoes. So...what do you think?" (p204)
Mrs. Todd's Shortcut
"That was the best kiss I ever had in my whole life. It was just on the cheek, and it was the chaste kiss of a married woman, but it was ripe as a peach, or like those flowers that open in the dark, and when her lips touched my skin I felt like...I don't know exactly what I felt like, because a man can't easily hold on to those things that happened to him with a girl who was ripe when the world was young or how those things felt--I'm talking around what I mean, but I think you understand. Those things all get a red cast to them in your memory and you cannot see through it." (p223)
There is Holes in the middle. Do you know that?
The Jaunt
It's eternity in there.
It [teleportation] seems to revolve around the idea of consciousness, and the fact that consciousness doesn't particulate--it remains whole and constant. It also retains some screwy sense of time. But we don't know how pure consciousness would measure time, or even if that concept has any meaning to pure mind. We can't even conceive what pure mind be. (p255)
Your mind can be your best friend; it can keep you amused even when there's nothing to read, nothing to do. But it can turn on you when it's left with no input for too long. It can turn on you, which means that it turns on itself, savages itself, perhaps consumes itself in an unthinkable act of auto-cannibalism. How long in there, in terms of years? 0.000000000067 seconds for the body to Jaunt, but how long for the unparticulated consciousness? A hundred years? A thousand? A million? A billion? How long alone with your thoughts in an endless field of white? And then, when a billion eternities have passed, the crashing return of light and form and body. Who wouldn't go insane? (P255)
Longer than you think, Dad.
The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands
IT IS THE TALE, NOT HE WHO TELLS IT.
Beachworld
--a hollow sighing of the wind, not in his ear but in the canyon between right brain and left brain--he heard that sighing somewhere in the blackness which is spanned only by the suspension bridge of the corpus callosum, which connects conscious thought to the infinite. He felt no hunger, no thirst, no heat, no fear. He heard only the voice in the emptiness.
And a ship came. (p355)
Nona
In the first semester of my sophomore year I fell in Love. It was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me. Pretty? She would have knocked you back two steps. To this day I have no idea what she saw in me. I don't even know if she loved me or not. I think she did at first. After that I was just a habit that's hard to break, like smoking or driving with your elbow poked out the window. She held me for a while, maybe not wanting to break the habit. Maybe she held me for wonder, or maybe it was just her vanity. Good boy, roll over, sit up, fetch the paper. Here's a kiss good night. It doesn't matter. For a while it was Love, then it was like Love, then it was Over. (p384)
...
I started being afraid of girls, a little. And it wasn't so much the ones I was impotent with as the ones I wasn't, the ones I could make it with. They made me uneasy. I kept asking myself where they were hiding whatever axes they liked to grind and when they were going to let me have it. I'm not so strange at that. You show me a married man or a man with a steady woman, and I'll show you someone who is asking himself, What is she doing when I'm not around? What does she really think of me? And maybe most of all, How much of me has she got? How much is left? Once I started thinking about those things, I thought about them all the time. (p385)
I'm not crazy. I know that and trust that you do, too. If you say you aren't crazy that's supposed to mean you are, but I am beyond all those little games. She was with me, she was real. I love her. True love will never die. That's how I signed all my letters to Betsy, the ones I tore up.
Do you love?
Yes, I love.
And true love will never die.
The Ballad of the Flexible Bullet
But, luckily for us, all our unfortunate problems have the same short-term solution, and so I strain my arms and my tiny body to give it to you, my drunken friend. YOU may wonder about long-term solutions; I assure you there are none. All wounds are mortal. Take what's given. You sometimes get a little slack in the rope but the rope always has an end. So what. Bless the slack and don't waste breath cursing the drop. A grateful heart knows that in the end we all swing.
The Reach
She remembered Bill telling her once that when you were lost in the woods, you had to pretend that the leg which was on the same side of your body as your smart hand was lame.
"These are things made for thinking on slowly. Things to be thought on at length, while the hands do their work and coffee sits in a solid china mug nearby. They are questions of Reach, maybe: do the dead sing? And do they love the living?"
Do the dead sing? Do they love?
All words above attributed to Stephen King
_________________________________________________
Oh God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."
October 18, 2011
Hillary Clinton in Libya to Offer Millions in New Aid
As part of the new aid package, the U.S. will re-launch several educational programs, including Fulbright scholarships and English language training, and help fund an archeological project that will survey eastern Libya, the officials said. In addition, they said Clinton will be stressing the importance of good governance, inclusion, democratization and diversifying Libya's economy so it no longer is almost entirely dependent on oil revenue.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/18/clinton-libya-aid-package_n_1017248.html
Archeological surveying my ass! OIL, OIL, OIL
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/18/clinton-libya-aid-package_n_1017248.html
Archeological surveying my ass! OIL, OIL, OIL
October 17, 2011
Cellphones & Radiation
Thank you for finally proving what we had already guessed. FCC, you f*cking douches.
Link: http://gma.yahoo.com/fcc-test-measure-cellphone-radiation-flawed-group-says-030210794.html
Link: http://gma.yahoo.com/fcc-test-measure-cellphone-radiation-flawed-group-says-030210794.html
October 14, 2011
Hilarious
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/13/skydiving-sex-bakersfield_n_1010063.html
and I want to do this so bad
PS http://www.blackthisout.com/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/13/skydiving-sex-bakersfield_n_1010063.html
and I want to do this so bad
PS http://www.blackthisout.com/
October 13, 2011
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.…Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle."
-Steve Jobs, liked Alice
-Steve Jobs, liked Alice
weLost
I've got coffee. I've got the Internet. What more do I need?
Well. I must confess. A thirst so unbearable I do suppress.
My fair weathered lady is the object of an ongoing obsession.
Not an obsession of the sort, rather desire I do contort.
Give her my namesake and a warm bed to raze.
Build her a tower to raise our kin.
Tangled infatuations, all ablaze.
Foaming and Flowing I fill her cup to brim.
Nothing ever so magnificent as the light being poured from my head.
I miss the We. I miss the Us. I miss what we never had. I miss what we Lost.
I miss the lust.
But, Most of All, I miss You.
Well. I must confess. A thirst so unbearable I do suppress.
My fair weathered lady is the object of an ongoing obsession.
Not an obsession of the sort, rather desire I do contort.
Give her my namesake and a warm bed to raze.
Build her a tower to raise our kin.
Tangled infatuations, all ablaze.
Foaming and Flowing I fill her cup to brim.
Nothing ever so magnificent as the light being poured from my head.
I miss the We. I miss the Us. I miss what we never had. I miss what we Lost.
I miss the lust.
But, Most of All, I miss You.
October 11, 2011
Quit Hungering the Babies
Interstellar Frequencies traversing Multidimensional spaces; intersecting bi linear time; collapsing reality's foundations; loosening the imaginations' foothold; ravaging the mind's eye; mitigating illusions risk.
No one knows what time it is, or when dinner was and lunch went. Can you explain the race? Or the pace of which car when it passed the vertical abutments of my brain? Where are the canyons and caverns hidden in the shadows for the blind to see?
We were all lost on the map to it all. When the time slipped past, a mighty global gasp prompted a mighty cold grasp. But the grasp and the gasp were worthless to the roaches on the wall. Nuclear apartheid. Civil war and cyanide. What would he do for an eskimo pie?
Run or walk, got to get to a greener side. Wild slide. Takes me by the trials. Hand of justice. Just us this week. Trust us, too deep? The sheep get no sleep. Keeping eye on bended knee. All too shear, mended sweater. Smoking warm weather. Spokane looked good for the winter. The sheperd couldn't be any sooner, more less than later.
Dots and dashes, leads and lashes. Where was the trickle when the fascists couldn't eat? Bleep, bleep. Pig snout and horse's feet. Glue and garden arsenic's sweet. But, don't trust me. Take the preacher's teeth. Pillow laced words fill my dreams. Dear God, let us weep.
Don't Forget--Stop along the way. Waft the bleached deck for rosy altar. The faults are natively born of sin. The field left the Indian sitting in his grief. Grief grumbled off with a groan, left poor Indian all alone. Bread and bone make wonder spread. Blunder and clout, the beast is treading about. The meak inherited the old. The moon thrown over a moat. A bleak mouse hampered down in a grungy side of town. City blocks signals creep. Sluggish mooring onto pestilence peak.
Mob, glob, a Who called Bob. Lie us down a Thing to eat. Loveless, lifeless cold, dead feet. Burning foil is boring toil for ancient hands to hide. However long the band will play.
Whats yours is mine and mine is yours and we are all together. Floating atop an English muffin waiting for the bread to break. Let it all crumble down.
No one knows what time it is, or when dinner was and lunch went. Can you explain the race? Or the pace of which car when it passed the vertical abutments of my brain? Where are the canyons and caverns hidden in the shadows for the blind to see?
We were all lost on the map to it all. When the time slipped past, a mighty global gasp prompted a mighty cold grasp. But the grasp and the gasp were worthless to the roaches on the wall. Nuclear apartheid. Civil war and cyanide. What would he do for an eskimo pie?
Run or walk, got to get to a greener side. Wild slide. Takes me by the trials. Hand of justice. Just us this week. Trust us, too deep? The sheep get no sleep. Keeping eye on bended knee. All too shear, mended sweater. Smoking warm weather. Spokane looked good for the winter. The sheperd couldn't be any sooner, more less than later.
Dots and dashes, leads and lashes. Where was the trickle when the fascists couldn't eat? Bleep, bleep. Pig snout and horse's feet. Glue and garden arsenic's sweet. But, don't trust me. Take the preacher's teeth. Pillow laced words fill my dreams. Dear God, let us weep.
Don't Forget--Stop along the way. Waft the bleached deck for rosy altar. The faults are natively born of sin. The field left the Indian sitting in his grief. Grief grumbled off with a groan, left poor Indian all alone. Bread and bone make wonder spread. Blunder and clout, the beast is treading about. The meak inherited the old. The moon thrown over a moat. A bleak mouse hampered down in a grungy side of town. City blocks signals creep. Sluggish mooring onto pestilence peak.
Mob, glob, a Who called Bob. Lie us down a Thing to eat. Loveless, lifeless cold, dead feet. Burning foil is boring toil for ancient hands to hide. However long the band will play.
Whats yours is mine and mine is yours and we are all together. Floating atop an English muffin waiting for the bread to break. Let it all crumble down.
October 10, 2011
An All-Too-Familiar Prediction from an All-Too-Unlikely Source
"Their economy will never improve with the expenses they spent in the Gulf and in Europe. They spent $68 billion in the Gulf, and in Europe, they spent $128 billion. If America does not withdraw its troops from all over the world, its economy could never improve. America is not in its youth phase. America is at the edge of elderliness and at the beginning phase of old age…
[The American president] could save a billion dollars from here, a million dollars from somewhere else, another two million from another place that could be useful, but it would not heal his wound that is so deep it cannot be healed unless he turns to the military budget."
-Saddam Hussein, 1993
[The American president] could save a billion dollars from here, a million dollars from somewhere else, another two million from another place that could be useful, but it would not heal his wound that is so deep it cannot be healed unless he turns to the military budget."
-Saddam Hussein, 1993
October 7, 2011
Potential Solutions to the ongoing economic woes of today
H.R. 2990
Are we losing control? We never had it.
Nightmare's of Ron Paul
The lines of dirt drift; drift aloft like the waves of the mountains high above.
October 6, 2011
October 5, 2011
Thanks IncenseMan!
"Diet, injections, and injunctions will combine, from a very early age, to produce the sort of character and the sort of beliefs that the authorities consider desirable, and any serious criticism of the powers that be will become psychologically impossible. Even if all are miserable, all will believe themselves happy, because the government will tell them that they are so." Gradually, by selective breeding, the congenital differences between rulers
and ruled will increase until they become almost different species. A revolt
of the plebs would become as unthinkable as an organized insurrection of
sheep against the practice of eating mutton."
- Bertrand Russell, "The Impact of Science on Society", 1953, pg 49-50
and ruled will increase until they become almost different species. A revolt
of the plebs would become as unthinkable as an organized insurrection of
sheep against the practice of eating mutton."
- Bertrand Russell, "The Impact of Science on Society", 1953, pg 49-50
October 3, 2011
The Wanderer...of my Life
I don't feel like myself today. Someone has snuck into my heart and is creeping about with cleats. The stinging is becoming unbearable. It's my junkie girl, I know it. She is sliding her icy palms across my ventricles and veins. Freezing the feelings I have left. Sheets of some frozen substance veil my sight from anything young and new. Casting me into perpetual darkness from the world I knew and loved. I own no mirrors for her eyes are my eyes. A connection so divine and deep even I could not escape. Although I have tried. My attempts turn fruitless, often prior to the start. She moves within me. Snickering in the hollows of the cranium. Sliding along the spinal column. Stop to stab the main valve. Strangle the guts together with a firm grip. She's a disease and there is no cure. No remedy for her illness. Spreading through my life with ease; only cold death does she deliver. I want rid of her and I don't care how. Because, I am a junkie for her love when her love is gone. A fiend without a friend is not a fiend at all. A vagabond without a road to wander still wanders. Lonely and cold with her monster. The monkey with an icepick. Her sweet reminder. I'm spent on her. Spun. Wounds tear open, laid bare for all the world to see. But no one cares. Spotty and blotched memories shrivel and die with time. Faint glimpses of a forgotten age float up through the murk of my current distraction. A Polaroid seen through a broken kaleidoscope. Misty ships on the horizon. Are mind-pirates possible? Plausible? For if so, then She is their fearless commander. Chief of the Sextons. Goddess of the Abyss. Immortal in her being. Death befalls whomever her love is given. But not for me. I fear immortality. Not of the body, that is absurd. But the immortality of the Soul, the Subconscious, the Spirit. For this is Her form of eternity. Her Heaven, My Hell. An endless hole filled with windows into a beloved past.
When will the bottom fall out?
When will I stop falling?
How will it all end?
When will the bottom fall out?
When will I stop falling?
How will it all end?
The pirate of the sea hath lost her love for me.
What shall I do for eternity?
Do I search the star-filled sea?
Or, just let it be.
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