I can't talk to you any longer. I have been trying to get over you the best I can for better than a year now. It seemed a whole lot easier said than done, especially when I was the one who broke it off with you. I was an idiot and an asshole, but most of all I was an inconsiderate, selfish douche. Truth be told, there are many names you could, and probably have, call me. This is not what hurts. What hurts is knowing that you have found someone else to spend your time with and share your love. Knowing that, and that day by day you slip miles and miles away, is like knowing that you have a malignant, inoperable brain tumor. Except a brain tumor stays with you until death do us part. You, on the other hand, will never be with me again....until death do us part. You know/knew that I was never one to "wear my heart on my sleeve" and yet thinking of all this has already put a magnificently large lump in my throat and thrown salt in my eyes---And I'm at work! Now look what you've done ;)
It could have been wondrous. The farmhouse, I mean, our house, our life, our children, everything we could have had. It could have been a Love story. Our love would have run so incredibly deep. It would have washed away any blockages standing in our way. If only I had taken the time to listen to you, care about you, do all the things a boyfriend (& friend & lover) are meant to do. I could have, you know? But, my laziness and selfishness got in the way. I felt that this was "My Life" and I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. For far too long I had answered to my mother, an ever demanding responsibility which was the sole repercussion of my misspent youth. It was this that made me feel as if you were "questioning" my every move, much like my mother, and it was this that made me begin to resent this behavior, forcing me to go my own way. It was never because I did not love you or that I did not care. I believe, with both my heart and head, that we could have made it had I simply talked to you.
That's what I've lost--the ability to talk, to share, to communicate with others. Some switch turned off, or a circuit malfunctioned, or I burned too many holes up in the old noggin. Whatever happened, I hope it happened for a reason. Maybe you were destined to be with him and I alone. Because if it did not happen for a reason, if there is no ultimate plan, than I am without a doubt lost. I already know that I am lost without you, but what's new? When we were together, time seemed to be frozen and the path seemed to be illuminated. We both knew what each other wanted and we talked endlessly. Falling asleep on the phone most nights...shoot, I probably DO have a brain tumor. But I would never change a thing about any of it. Maybe I would change one small thing, if that isn't too selfish of an act. In all actuality, the change would be closer to a selfless act more than anything. I would have invited you to that preview weekend. After long contemplating all of what happened, I think this was when it all went downhill for us--for me. I gave up. I got a taste of a different life and I bit. I bit down hard and I've been tasting blood in my mouth since. And, of course, the life didn't last. Neither did the "friends" or the girls or the parties or anything for that matter. Nothing lasts. Only true love lasts. Do you love? I love. I used to love, I still do, but I used to, too. There is a voice deep inside me that says I may never love another like we loved each other. It's a little upsetting, unsettling, disheartening...describe it with whatever words you feel necessary but it will never be the same. It's like that first hit of acid. Before you take it, everything is fine, dull but fine. When you take it, nothing could ever be better. And once it's all done and said, you won't ever be the same. Obviously there are some major flaws in this theory, but you catch my drift....it never should have ended. Or maybe it had to end for a reason. I don't know, you don't know, none of us knows a thing. But, what I do know is, it could have been glorious. Imagine what our children would have looked like. Sharing our features. The boy with mine and the girl with yours...but a little bit of both us in each. Dear Lord, they would have been cuter than a peach if I do say so myself. You could have been a stay-at-home mom with a salon in the basement. You would have been MY reason to strive to do the absolute best I could in all my classes, so that I could provide for you and give you everything you never had and always wanted. To make our lives perfect.
I can spend countless words and endless hours on mulling over and over the what-if's, what could have been, how things should have went, etc. etc. I know because I have done this many times despite reminding myself of the oncoming "blues" that are sure to follow. So I won't bore.
I still love you. I still miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still want to make things work. I want to do more than 'Try.' I want to cuddle up next to you in a warm hoody in the middle of winter and watch seasons of Rosanne and Friends. I miss those brown eyes that I see everywhere. I want to see your smile. As strange as it may be, I miss the cracks in your tongue. I miss your birthmark (I still know just where to find it). The way you spoke to me late at night, the softness in your voice. Your laugh. I want all of it back.
I want you.
You know who you are.
This is how I feel. All I have are feelings.
And I think you feel the same way.
You're just too scared to admit it. Or maybe you're just so committed to these 'big' plans of yours (and his) that you don't want to admit it.
Either way, I know you still feel for me. You still miss me. You still think of me. You still love me.
Do you want to know how I know this?
Because you text me. You call. You get upset if I even mention another lady.
I don't want to give you up. I never meant to let you down. I don't want any other. I want you, I need you....but I think you don't need me. Better yet, I know you don't need me. You have him.
How do I compete? Or do I?
Am I supposed to fight for you? Like the Knight in Shining Armor? Come to the fair lady's rescue at the right moment? When is the right moment? Is there a right moment? Was it even meant to be? Or did it turn out exactly as He planned? I don't know how you feel, and, I don't think, you know how I feel. Are we even supposed to feel? Is it wrong if we do? Is it wrong if we don't? Or is it wrong that we ignore the feelings? Push them away, save them for another day in another life when it is too little and far too late.
What's the point?
You say we've changed. Fuck that, get a better answer. Everybody changes. If you don't change then you succumb to Darwinian 'survival of the fittest.' I know I've changed and I know you have changed. But I have changed for the better, as I am sure you have as well. Change is good. I mean, catch this, it obviously wasn't working when we tried the first time. Or the second...mostly the second time. The first time was a view of Heaven. Now, we've both been through different situations, many different scenes with many different people. Maybe this means we've grown apart or maybe this means we could be closer than ever before. We will never know unless we give it a try. But the moment when that becomes next to impossible creeps ever closer with every minute. Fast Forward to next September. The 29th. I am not sure what I will be doing on this day and I don't know how I will handle the situation, but I know what you will be doing. You will be ending any chance of us. You will be creating a new you, a Them to me. And it will be Them that I will grow to despise. Praying for the utter demise of the Them, going against everything that I know and believe. I wish nothing ill unto any one...except maybe corporate America. But, just know, deep, deep, deep down I will be rooting for yours and his failure. I will be waiting for the Big D: Divorce. I hate to admit it, but I must, and I hope you understand. For if the one you love was lost, even at your own doing, you would want nothing more than to retrieve what is lost. And how else would you go about this nasty business while remaining passive. Why, hopes and wishes that's how. I have spent much time contemplating many ideas of how I could 'win' you back. I have picked up my guitar on more than one occassion with every intention of learning some song which reminds me of you and surely would remind you of me and I dream of how I would surprise you somewhere by playing the song and we would be happy. But, then the dream fades and reality creeps back in. You are gone and I am here.
That is the way it is. This is how it will be.
Unless I act and act I may.
For to not act goes against my human instinct. Everything that has been ingrained within my DNA is SCREAMING for me to act. To do everything in my will to get you back into my arms. Into my heart.
And maybe I will. I hate that word, maybe, it allows too much complacency to fall into a man's life. I don't want to let that happen. But, maybe it is for the better.
Maybe I still love you.
Maybe you still love me.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe in the future.
Maybe it wasn't meant to last.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell in the past.
Maybe, baby, but maybe maybe's not good enough for me.
Maybe.
Maybe, Always & Forever
BB
